True Villain

Vlad: Snuffy, we need to talk.

Snuffy: Look, we’ve been over this a hundred times. I can’t give you a bigger part; I beheaded you.

Vlad: Characters come back from the dead all the time! Besides, I’ve seen how your readership have been reacting to Seth lately. How many wet panties and potatoes will you receive before you admit that you got it wrong? That you should have cast me as the villain?

Snuffy: Well, I’d certainly get fewer ‘wet panties’ had I done that, but I do love potatoes.

Vlad: Poppycock! You say that like I’m hideous or something. Come on, give me one scene. Just one scene to show you exactly what a villain should be, to show you how good Almost Eternal could be without all of this conflicted emotional nonsense.

Snuffy: Fine. You can shoot one scene in Seth’s place, why the fuck not.

Vlad: Marvellous! I shan’t let the glory go to my head, like that reprobate, either. I only expect a trailer full of virgins and a jewel encrusted, granite coffin as recompense, for now.

Snuffy: I’ll give you five plasma packs and I’ll promise not to set you on fire.

Vlad: …Deal.

---

Seth: You have completely lost your mind.

Snuffy: Yes, probably.

Faith: “I told you not to control me!“

Vlad: “Shut up, woman!“

Seth: That’s not the line! And this is just creepy. He’s seven hundred years old and has the sex appeal of a gutted salmon.

Snuffy: Jealous?

Seth: Don’t make me laugh.

Vlad: “I am going to kiss you now, but it is not because I have feelings for you, it is purely a seal of my ownership.“

Seth: Really? He might as well just stomp around yelling ‘I’m an evil villain!’

Snuffy: He sort of does.

Seth: Amateur. And look at that; their arms don’t even line up and his nose is inside her face. You’ll have to make all new poses.

Snuffy: You’re petty when you’re threatened, you know that?

Seth: I know everything and I’m not threatened.

Snuffy: Of course not. Hey, Vlad? I’ve made my decision.

Snuffy: I appreciate your time, but you really aren’t right for this role.

Vlad: What do you mean? I oozed evil and contempt. I’d have your readers unanimous in their opinions, unlike him. Don’t let the story entirely go down the lavatory, you need a clear villain—

Snuffy: Uh, Vlad?

Vlad: —now far be it from me to tell you how to achieve your vision, but as someone very well-versed in the ancient art of villainy, I can tell you that a true villain should be controlled, refined, aloof and sinister. Hell bent on their dastardly ways and clearly definable, none of this ‘are they, aren’t they’ nonsense. The reader should not feel any attraction for a true villain, let alone sympathy!

Faith: He’s right, even I felt no attraction.

Seth: And I feel no sympathy for him whatsoever.

Grim: Is anyone gonna plead for this skinny, pale dude or shall I just swipe and go?

Snuffy: I probably should keep him around, if only for flashback purposes, but I sort of don’t want to.

Grim: No takers? Right, off to the underworld we go, Mr. Straud.

Snuffy: I used to be such a good person.

Seth: Didn’t we all? I think you might even be worse than me; didn’t you promise not to set him on fire?

Snuffy: …

Seth: I guess now we all know who the true villain is here.