Snuffy: Welcome to the first Almost Eternal Q&A session, featuring our guest host, all the way from Tales of Camelot, Yimi!
Yimi: Hey Snuffy, I’m really excited to be here and to meet the crew.
Snuffy: I’m sure they’ll be delighted to meet you too! Quick question; do you have any open wounds or bleeding sores?
Yimi: Um… no. Wait, what?
April: I want to sit in the middle. I’m the star of this show.
Faith: Fuck off, Blondie. I’m the one who gets the most fan mail.
Melinda: Only because of that one troll who keeps asking to see your breasts. I think you’ll find that I’m the people’s sweetheart.
April: I’ll scream if you don’t let me sit in the middle.
Yimi: Hi, I’m Yimi. First question is for you all. What do you appreciate about each other the most?
April: I appreciate that these pair stick by me and like me for who I am.
Faith: I don’t like you for who you are. I only like that you’re easy to wind up.
April: How dare you! I’m not easy to wind up!
Faith: Obviously not. And Mellybean, I mean what’s not to like? I most appreciate how she rolls her eyes at me when I say things she’s too afraid to think.
Melinda: I’m not afraid to think them, I’m just appalled that you actually say them.
Faith: You like it. Admit it, you live for tales of my debauchery.
Melinda: I don’t live for anything anymore. But OK, fine, I do like it. I also appreciate that you’re willing to do literally anything to make me smile.
Faith: Why wouldn’t I want to see that weird face smile?
April: Enough about you two. What do you appreciate most about me, Mel?
Faith: Yeah Mel, what do you appreciate most about April. Is it her lovely pair of eyes?
Melinda: Um. Well she does have nice eyes. Oh look! Time’s up.
Snuffy: April, head on back to the dressing room; this next segment is only for Faith and Mel.
April: Why? Are they going to be talking about me? I’m not leaving. And I’m not taking orders from you. You’ve already ruined my life enough with your stupid plot.
Snuffy: Oh honey, I haven’t even started. Caleb?
April: No! I’m not going anywhere and you can’t make me!
Caleb: April, come back to the dressing room.
Yimi: Faith, Mel. How did you two meet?
Melinda: We met on the day I was adopted, when I was four. My mum threw a welcome party for me and Faith came over with her parents. Our mothers were best friends, back then…
Faith: Yeah. Some friend.
Melinda: Yeah. I think we should move on.
Yimi: Faith, what is your favourite memory of Joy?
Faith: Oh that’s hard. Just one? OK, I guess it was that time I watching Spleens For My Valentine, and just as the dashing serial killer went to rip the heart out of his unwitting prey, Kiddo jumped out from nowhere and scared the living shit out of me. Once my heart started beating again, we curled up together to watch the rest of the movie. Little maniac laughed every time someone got torn to pieces. She couldn’t watch the kissing scenes though, said they were gross.
Melinda: So nothing scares her except love?
Faith: That’s my demented girl. She’ll make a fine little vampire one day.
Melinda: I think one murderous vampire in the group is quite enough.
Faith: We’ll see.
Yimi: Melinda, what unholy eldritch abomination taught your mother recipes like Banana Sausage Surprise and Blue Lasagne?
Melinda: Banana sausage surprise? I’ve never tried that. I wonder if the surprise is that tuna paste she’s had in the fridge for the last six months. Mum doesn’t like to waste food so to get around this, she’ll pair up whatever ingredients she has and call it a dish.
Faith: Everything tastes of ash now and yet I can still taste blue lasagne vomit every time I think of your Mum, Mellybean.
Melinda: Did the vomit taste better than the actual dish?
Snuffy: That’s great, thanks girls. Let’s get the trainwrecks in.
April: Stop looking at him, Yibbo. He’s mine.
Yimi: It’s Yimi and I have to look at him; I’m interviewing you both. First question is for both of you. What is your idea of a honeymoon location? An underground vampire lair? Jungle tomb getaway? Antarctica? Sylvan Glades? Vegas?
Caleb: Vegas sounds fun—
April: Honeymoon? We’d have to get married first!
Caleb: About that…
April: And when we do get married, we’re not going to Vegas. How common! I want a lavish ceremony. And I want a huge cake, even though I still can’t eat it.
April: Then we will honeymoon in Sulani. I went there once with Mother, as a child, but it will be much better now because I will be allowed to leave the hotel. At night, at least.
April: Ooh! We can have a midnight, moonlit wedding ceremony on the beach! Oh that will be magical. So romantic. Oh! And we could—
Yimi: Ah, right, um… Caleb, you’re super fast—
Yimi: Have you ever tried running on water?
Caleb: Yes. I got very wet.
Yimi: Right. OK. April, if you married Caleb, that’ll mean that Lilith will be your sister.
April: You’re asking about marriage a lot, Yibbo. Is there something I should know?
April: Oh my gosh, Caleb! Are you trying to propose to me? Is that what this whole thing is about? OH MY GOSH! YES! YES I’LL MARRY YOU!!!
Yimi: It’s Yimi, not Yibbo! Interview… nope. OK, never mind.
Lilith: Why do I have to do my segment with that reprobate?
Snuffy: It’s what the people want. Seth, a quick word?
Snuffy: I know you hate being indoors and around people. But just for once; no mind control, no memory erasing. Behave, OK?
Seth: Yes, Mistress.
Yimi: First question to you both. What’s up with Seth’s hat? Is he secretly hiding a bald spot under it?
Seth: No. I have a luscious head of hair.
Lilith: He does, the swine. But he thinks a hat makes him look mysterious.
Seth: It merely complements my jacket. One of us ‘old vampires’ needs some style.
Lilith: I don’t remember seeing ‘stinking hobo’ trending in the latest Vogue.
Seth: I don’t recall ‘trashy trollop’ featuring there, either.
Yimi: Seth, can we overpower you if I chuck enough old battery TVs and radios with giant antennae into a pit with you? Asking for a friend.
Lilith: Oh, I’d love to see that.
Seth: You would need a lot of devices to overpower me. Most likely, that scenario would result in my making a light lunch of your friend’s larynx.
Yimi: Moving swiftly on! Lilith, what do you think about your writer?
Lilith: Snuffy? I see a lot of myself in her. We share some key traits; selfless, brave, kind—
Seth: Numb, blindsided, existing in a permanent state of denial and on a pointless mission.
Lilith: She wasn’t asking you. Go jump in a bonfire, will you?
Yimi: Opinions among Snuffy’s
fans readers are a bit divided when it comes to you two. You’re either loved or despised with a fiery passion. If you could dramatically break the fourth wall and say one thing to all of them directly, what would it be?
Lilith: Wait, people despise me? After everything I’ve done? Can we go back to the question about the writer? I’d very much like to revise my answer as clearly she isn’t portraying me correctly. Minor dislike I could understand…
Seth: It’s not that hard to fathom. I despise you with a fiery passion.
Lilith: Are you still here? No one even likes you.
Seth: I can hear Snuffy thinking that I have more fans than you.
Lilith: What? What the hell is she writing to make people like you!?
Seth: The truth.
Lilith: Oh bugger off, Seth.
Yimi: Guys? Fourth wall? One thing?
Lilith: I’m not as bad as you think.
Seth: I am.
Lilith: I’ve had enough. Having him fiddling around in my head makes me gag.
Snuffy: That’s fine, head on out. I’ve laid on a buffet for you—
Lilith: Ugh. He’s doing it again.
Snuffy: Oh for fuck’s sake, Seth.
Seth: You didn’t explicitly tell me not to eat her.
Snuffy: No, I thought that was implied by ‘behave’.
Seth: On the bright side, you don’t have to pay her for her contribution now.
Snuffy: I wasn’t going to pay her anyway. How was she?
Seth: Sweeter than I expected.
Got some burning questions to put to the AE cast? Get in touch and you could be next!