Update October 18th

Dear devoted readership of 4.

I really want to write the thing. I am excited for the thing, where it goes next and where it concludes. I really am.
I have pages upon pages, files and folders full of AE notes, plans, scenes, jokes to include, horrors to unfold.
It grows daily. Perhaps that’s overkill, but that is me. Always juggling a hundred things and living in a constant state of high, but optimum, stress.

If I described my mind on a typical day, I’d say that it’s like a circus where all the acts are performing their bit at the same time, in the same place, to different music but yet miraculously nobody is being eaten by lions and it somehow works seamlessly. Orchestrated. Meticulous.

Here’s the inevitable ‘but’…

Lately I have had to reread my previous chapters continuously to remember what I’ve said. I’ve spent half a day writing a scene, only to realise that I’d already written it, published it, three chapters previously.
I can’t create my signature strings of words and crappy images with the reckless ease I am accustomed to.
Ideas don’t flow, or they flow too fast and become a writhing tangle of nonsense.
I feel overwhelmed. I don’t know what I’m doing.

Yeah, the big top is on fire and Simba’s finally got his claws into Bonkle Sacfondle.

Or, in non-confusing-circus terms, I’m now not functioning how I’m used to functioning and I don’t know how to adapt.

Luckily, I am working with someone who is unfazed by all the bleeding clowns in my head and my shitty coping mechanisms. They’re like my very own all-powerful, mind-reading vampire, minus the teeth and the misanthropy.

I may never be the same. In some ways that’s definitely a good thing. In other ways… we’ll see.

And so to the main purpose of this post that was 300 words too long – updates may be slow, may pause for a while, or may even speed up and come out in threes. I can’t predict it right now.

But, rest assured, like Caleb, they will come, one way or another.


10 thoughts on “Update October 18th

  1. Dear Snuffy
    Thanks for your update. It sounds like you are going through a very stressful time right now. I’ll send you some beeps and a virtual hug 🤗


  2. When I thought clowns couldn’t get any worse, they multiplied and are BLEEDING 😭😭😭

    We can talk about Bob’s purrfect bum instead. My synapses are fried just looking at it.. them? Wha?

    Ugh focus. Big hugs! You’re hella brave. I’m proud of you.

    Hit me up if u wanna clown hunt together. (Yes, it’s past my bedtime.) Take care Snuffy. Will be here whenever! 😄


    1. I can now report that most of the bleeding clowns have been patched up and are back to work. There’s still a lion roaming around, but generally the circus is back to normal.
      It’s not bravery, it’s called ‘getting the fuck on with it’ 😆 but thanks. Normal service shall resume shortly.


    1. …and I let my post get posted before I finished it. Again. DX Wanted to say I’m glad you got a good brain picker, though. At least it sounds like they’re good. That sounds hopeful. Constant stress is never optimal. (I feel like I addressed something similar at Seth once… it’s totally true irl, too, though.) So I hope stuff gets better for you asap. 😀 Don’t worry, your devoted ones will still be here then… and I might actually manage catch up. ;DD


  3. I’m hella late to this post (honestly, who is in charge of the circus in my brain? Do they have a watch?), but I just want to say take your time and do what feels good. I have definitely been in places where I’m too burnt out or overwhelmed, where everything feels like a hot mess and I just have to step away until I can get it ordered again. Wrangling the brain is a beast of a thing. Whenever and however you return, I will definitely be here with my Caleb Fan—wait, no Seth Fan—shit, I mean—Lilith Fan—er…All My Faves Are Problematic Fan T-shirt on ❤


    1. Woah, where did the Caleb fan club tee come from? That must be a knock-off because I’ve never had demand for an official one. 😆
      I can report that all the random colours and shapes floating around in my head are starting to form whole pictures once again, so normal service shall soon resume. Both in story and in real life. I had to write a few papers during this timeframe for work. Talk about hot mess, holy shit, how am I still employed.


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