Dear devoted readership of 4.
I really want to write the thing. I am excited for the thing, where it goes next and where it concludes. I really am.
I have pages upon pages, files and folders full of AE notes, plans, scenes, jokes to include, horrors to unfold.
It grows daily. Perhaps that’s overkill, but that is me. Always juggling a hundred things and living in a constant state of high, but optimum, stress.
If I described my mind on a typical day, I’d say that it’s like a circus where all the acts are performing their bit at the same time, in the same place, to different music but yet miraculously nobody is being eaten by lions and it somehow works seamlessly. Orchestrated. Meticulous.
Here’s the inevitable ‘but’…
Lately I have had to reread my previous chapters continuously to remember what I’ve said. I’ve spent half a day writing a scene, only to realise that I’d already written it, published it, three chapters previously.
I can’t create my signature strings of words and crappy images with the reckless ease I am accustomed to.
Ideas don’t flow, or they flow too fast and become a writhing tangle of nonsense.
I feel overwhelmed. I don’t know what I’m doing.
Yeah, the big top is on fire and Simba’s finally got his claws into Bonkle Sacfondle.
Or, in non-confusing-circus terms, I’m now not functioning how I’m used to functioning and I don’t know how to adapt.
Luckily, I am working with someone who is unfazed by all the bleeding clowns in my head and my shitty coping mechanisms. They’re like my very own all-powerful, mind-reading vampire, minus the teeth and the misanthropy.
I may never be the same. In some ways that’s definitely a good thing. In other ways… we’ll see.
And so to the main purpose of this post that was 300 words too long – updates may be slow, may pause for a while, or may even speed up and come out in threes. I can’t predict it right now.
But, rest assured, like Caleb, they will come, one way or another.