This is a collaboration project between myself and Yimiki.
Part One of Faith’s adventure can be found here. Read that first!
Faith hadn’t expected medieval times to have dumpsters and was wondering how best to pounce on – ship, she didn’t know his name. She should really work on that.
“So… back to your place?” she asked, hoping he wasn’t planning to take her against that wall, it looked as rough as that blacksmith.
“Are you new? Don’t worry, I’ve got it covered. I’ll take care of you.”
The hot-ish knight reached into his pocket. What was he reaching for? ‘Got it covered’. Did they have condoms in these times? Ugh, fudge probably not. She’d heard this in history class at some point… what did they use… pigs bladders?
No way was she letting him do that. Maybe she could distract him. She dived in head first for a handsy kiss.
What the frick? she thought, feeling around. Why is nothing happening?
He leapt back so fast that at first she thought she’d accidentally blasted him with her brain.
“Whoa, whoa- stop! What are you doing?!”
“Uh, what does it look like I’m doing?! Are you impotent or something?”
“We’re not- This isn’t-“
“Oh, holy frick you are. What is wrong with this place? Is everyone sterile? I thought these times were supposed to all raunchy and filthy with everyone just bonking everyone-”
“What? No! Well, yes, but… look, we had an agreement!“
“Uh, yeah, the agreement was that you were supposed to come out here and bone me breathless!”
“No! No! Of course not! That was the whole point of this! Didn’t they tell you that in advance?!”
“Who? Ginge and the princess?” Faith scoffed. “Look, I dunno what’s going on here but, wait… agreement? Am I your beard?!”
“My what?” he asked, confused.
“Are you gay?”
“What does that even mean? If I’m happy? Well, not right now.”
She snarled at him. “No! Do you fu… fuuuuuuuuu- ugh! Do you bonk guys?”
His expression fell.
“I… I can’t answer that.”
“Whatever! I don’t want your tiny pecker anyway. I can find much bigger d-“ God damn this place and its censors! Faith was dry heaving with the effort of trying to swear, watching the closeted knight look at her with an expression of utter confusion. “Di—Durrrgh!”
“DISKS! Bigger DISKS in this town! FRICK AND SHIP! FUDGE YOU!”
Faith pivoted on her heel to storm off, but he called her back.
“Wait, at least let me pay you,” he offered, pulling a couple of gold coins from his pocket.
“Pay me?! I’m not a whorrrrrse— horse!” she snarled as she stomped off. She paused a few paces away before stomping back.
“I don’t need your money,” she insisted as she snatched the coins.
Faith had no clue where she was going. Having stomped around town for a while and finding no one even passably attractive, especially not that guy in the purple dress, she found herself heading down a path to what looked like a fancy flag shop. On closer inspection, it was possibly a festival ground; the scent of mud, sweat and a hint of blood lingered on the breeze.
This might work. She had taken three steps towards the entrance when she heard the approaching footsteps from behind her.
“What do you want?” she snarled, glaring at Lancelot as he stepped in front of her and cut her off.
“Lady Balderdash. Please do not run off on your own like that. I may not be able to find you next time.”
The way he said that almost sounded concerned. And he had run all the way out here looking for her. Was he worried about her? Had she read him all wrong? Maybe he was one of those slow-burning, gentleman types and was actually into her, but couldn’t show it?
She wanted to be sensitive and composed but she wasn’t written that way, so she snorted, “I’m not some damsel in distress.”
“Of course,” he answered. “But I insist that you don’t stray from my side either way. The lady Morgana has entrusted me with your safety and—“
That beat of hope instantly withered and died inside Faith as the rage took hold. He didn’t want to follow her, it was his duty to, like sheepdog rounding up ewes for slaughter. Well, fudge him! And fudge Morgana!
“Oh, I see. You followed me because you HAVE to. Is that right?!”
He barely reacted to her outburst, staring her down with a stone-faced expression.
“No, that is not—” he tried, but Faith cut him off before he could finish.
“I don’t need you! I don’t need anyone! Let me relieve you of your most tedious duties!”
She made sure to give him a hard elbow shove as she passed, trying hard not to show how damn hot this whole thing had made her. Bloody hell, he smelled great. She heard him sigh as she entered into whatever-the-heck this place was, but he made no effort to follow her.
Did her allure not work here? What was going on?
The place was empty except for a blonde guy who was probably the caretaker. Faith wasn’t sure she could handle a third rejection and was about to leave when he caught sight of her.
“…Can I help you?”
Yep, he was definitely a servant of some kind but fricking heck. It was like all the men here were sculpted from clay by a fine artist. And this one smelled better than Lancelot – he was probably his butler or whatever.
She had a few snarky remarks for how this pretty man might be able to help her, but Faith was done with this place – she was getting thirsty and cranky and was starting to wonder how she’d actually get home.
“I don’t need your help, Blondie,” she growled. “What is wrong with everyone here? What’s wrong with you? Are you gay too, or just uptight, like Lance-not?”
“… I beg your pardon?”
“Oh great,” Faith huffed. “That answers that; you’re just stupid.”
“Are you certain that you want to insult the future King of Camelot?”
He said that so carefully, in such a loaded fashion that Faith couldn’t help but pause and read between the lines. He must have heard the conversation outside the archway and was politely trying to warn her. But that meant that—
“Lancelot’s the future King?”
“What? No, that’s not what I—”
Faith didn’t give him chance to finish, shoving him out of the way and hotfooting back towards the arch.
The future king? The future king was her chaperone?! What was she doing wasting time talking to this butler?
“See ya, Blondie! Thanks for the heads up!” she shouted over her shoulder. She sang to herself as she jogged back towards the town, “I’ve got a King to marry!”
“…Good luck with that.”
The sun had started to set by the time Faith tracked down Prince Lancelot and it was only at that point that she realised she’d been in the sun all day and hadn’t become a raisin.
“Wait! Wait up!” she gasped as she spotted the prince in the courtyard.
“Lady Balderdash,” he said, turning back towards her. “What a pleasure to see you again. Did you not relieve me of my duties?”
Decorum, Faith, she reminded herself, clearing her throat. “I did, but now I really need a chaperone again as it is growing dark,” she said in her poshest voice. “And now that it’s getting late, maybe I can relieve you of something else… Your highness.”
Damn, that had sounded way dirtier than she’d meant it to. Filtering herself was hard.
“I think we got off on the wrong foot!” she tried again, attempting a classy pose.
Lancelot pivoted on the spot in response, instantly turning away from her.
“Indeed. Good day.”
Was that an acceptance? Faith had no idea. Had he rejected her again? Was she supposed to follow? She was going to anyway.
“Your derriere is splendid, your highness!” she cooed before she could stop herself.
“Dear gods, Watcher. Just keep walking. Just keep walking,” she could hear him mumble.
“Yeah, you keep walking, Handselot, I’ll keep looking.”
“First that ridiculous tea party and now this. You have got to be—“
He didn’t respond to her catcalls or compliments but he clearly wanted her to follow. A man of few words but lots of action, the strong, silent type.
That was OK, Faith could be loud enough for two.
“So… where’s your room, your highness?” she asked, following him into the castle. “You almost tricked me into thinking you were a knight – is that a game you like to play? Because… I’m up for that.”
“Goddess have mercy. Stop talking.”
“Would you like me to be your damsel in distress?” she purred, role-playing in a helpless little voice. “Oh big, brave knight! Please cometh here and rescue me from the confines of this corset!”
He abruptly stopped in his tracks. Faith watched as the Prince straightened his back and balled his fists before turning back towards her.
“First of all, I am a knight-”
Her roleplay was working!
“And second of all, I will not be spoken to in such a manner. Not even by a Duchess. Now please move into the music room and stay there. I will send for you shortly.”
Faith played along, sashaying past him into the room he directed her to. “Have I been a bad girl, Lancelot? Are you going to spank—”
Faith stopped mid-sentence as a familiar sense of compression arrived in her temples.
BOLLOCKS. What the fudge was he doing here?!
“My apologies, Sarah,” Seth murmured in that low tone that made Faith shiver for five different reasons. “Thank you for bringing this breach to my attention. Do allow me to remove my detritus from your pristine palace.”
“Of course,” she smiled back. “I do appreciate you coming here on such short notice again. But I’m surprised, Seth. Out of everyone in your world, you chose that one?”
“I have my reasons,” he replied, glancing back at her as he got up from the sofa. Sarah’s smile instantly turned into a knowing smirk.
“I’m sure you do, love.”
Seth grabbed Faith by the back of her corset and yanked her from the room.
“You used my portal without permission—”
“It wasn’t locked!”
“—and then flaunted yourself in a carefully constructed world where you have no place!”
“But I… this dress is Sarah’s and Lancelot was flirting with me!”
“I’m sure he was, love. Goodbye now! See you around, Seth,” she added with a wink.
“Perhaps the next time the Watcher goes on holiday.”