Can’t be arsed to read the whole book? I don’t blame you.

Obviously this page contains spoilers for Book One.

So, what happens in the first instalment of Almost Eternal? We meet April Moss, a cute, eighteen-year old blonde with a seemingly wonderful life and her own butler.

She defies the orders of her very famous and very well-liked (but totally unjustifiably so) mother, Sandy, and manages to lure a one Caleb Vatore to her house believing him to be a vampire, something she’s very curious about.

Caleb, pretending to be his sister, Lilith, an esteemed plastic surgeon, turns up for his appointment with Sandy and has dinner. During the evening, being the general fuck-up that he is, Caleb accidentally kills April and wonders what the hell he’s going to do now that the daughter of this world-famous actress is lying dead on the floor with bite marks in her neck.

He decides to turn her, post-mortem – which is a thing in this world – even though Lilith has explicitly told him not to ever do that, but never told him why (that’s sort of her thing, as well as being number one fun vacuum).

Caleb flees, because, see above, he’s a monumental fuck-up, and April, confused and thirsty, turns her two best friends, Melinda and Faith, and drains her own mother.

With an impending conviction of murder looming over April’s head, the three girls decide to leave their lives behind to protect themselves the ones they love. Coincidentally, they track down the Vatores as well as a whole boat of mind-fuckery in the form of dashing master vampire – and indiscriminate murderer – Seth, who takes a liking to Faith.

Much fun ensues as the girls try to rescue Caleb from the clutches of his ‘evil’ sister while simultaneously learning how to vampire. A few people die. There are news stories. I give Caleb a much needed haircut. The screenshots are really terrible. I draw my special effects in MS paint.

Am I selling this to you yet?

The reason why you should never turn someone after death becomes clear when Caleb eventually gets his newly-made vampire girlfriend into the sack and ends up binding her – an archaic practice, a form of vampiric marriage, where the turned vampire loses their autonomy to their sire.

Lilith finds out this is what happened and tries to rip Caleb’s head off in rage, but is conveniently stopped by the girls.

With April now bound to Caleb and forced to cater to his every whim, the girls decide to flee Forgotten Hollow and Caleb goes with them.

Seth visits Lilith (the two have some serious history) at the end, with a harvested kidney for his beloved Faith, only to find that she’s gone. He doesn’t take this very well.

As he powers out of the house, trying to find her, he bumps into Melinda’s teddy bear of a father, Chuck, who is looking for his daughter.

Will Seth leave him untouched? Will the trio survive? Will the world heal after the death of their beloved Sandy Moss?

Find out in Book Two.

“Actually this sounds fun and I wanna read Book One!”

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