Chapter 1.47 – Fill The Void

Warning: Sexual violence, issues of consent, suicidal thoughts and generally unpleasant.

Faith had been fifteen when she’d lost her virginity. She had been taking a remedial science class over the summer when she’d met the lucky fella. His name was Adam or it might have been Alan; she forgot which. He’d boldly seated himself next to her and told her, while looking at her chest, that she had nice eyes.

The only things that she really knew about Adam, or Alan, was that he was seventeen and that he’d been in juvenile detention more than he’d been at school. He had invited her over to his house the night before a test to revise atomic structure. She’d arrived without her textbook or underwear.

It had been the first of many disappointing sexual encounters. Faith always found herself craving them and yet always wound up hollow, wanting them to end as soon as they’d started, giving much more than she ever received.

In her efforts to please, to feel pleased, she had attained an almost Sandy Moss level of pretence. Will was wrong; she could fake those ‘guttural moans’.

It didn’t matter. The type of man she usually attracted only heard what they wanted to hear. Their expectations set by pornography and perpetuated by women like herself, who were desperate for the attention and far too eager to self-sacrifice.

It was difficult to admit that.

For the first time, she had something to contrast all those one-sided, rough fumbles. The first time she’d actually enjoyed herself. The things this man had made her feel. She’d had no idea that tender could be so intense. That sex could be, well, satisfying.

She had to remind herself that it was still meaningless. As amazing as this night had been, this was not the start of an epic love story. Seth wanted something from her, that was all. This was all part of a trade.

The pair had settled back into what Faith had dubbed his ‘probing pose’, although his efforts to crack the nut were somewhat subdued this time, distracted.

“What are you thinking?” she asked.

“Interesting question,” he replied. “It’ll require a visual answer.”

“A vis—” she started, her confusion instantly erased as something that didn’t fit right materialised in her mind’s eye.

“Who is she?” Faith asked.

“I don’t know; I was hoping you might.”

Faith studied the face of this woman. Nothing about her was familiar.

“Ah. I feared as much. However, something about you keeps making her appear to me.” He shifted restlessly behind her and she watched the image fade. “I suspect that I may have known her when I was human, but those memories are patchy, at best.”

“Did you have a family?”

“I don’t remember.”

Faith pictured Joy. She couldn’t imagine ever forgetting her cheekiness, her squeaky little voice, the milk and cookies scent of her.

It must have been a long time since Seth was human for him to have forgotten this woman completely.

“How old are you, Seth?”

“No idea.”

“Really? Not even a ballpark figure?”

“No. My older memories are irretrievable. Perhaps a mind can only hold so much.”

“Perhaps.” She twisted round to look at him. “If I didn’t know you were ancient, I’d say you were… twenty-seven.”

“And you are… ah, only nineteen. Wonderful. Now I can add ‘pervert’ to my list of flaws.” As she made to settle back, he stopped her and gently pushed her away. “As pleasant as this is, I need to excuse myself, Faith. My thirst is becoming a nuisance.”

“Oh, right,” she said. “Your thirst. Does that mean you’ll be… y’know?” Killing someone.

“I will.”

Faith nodded. In this blissful bubble they had created, the reality of him had somewhat slipped her mind. She wondered who it would be. If he’d be taking Lilith any ‘gifts’.

“Whoever pulls up to see Roxie and no.” He smiled at her in a way that made her feel all sorts of conflicted things. “But I may pick out something for you. Perhaps a decorative kidney for your bedside table? You’ll have to forgive my gift-wrapping skills.”

She really hoped he was joking, but who knew? “You’re disturbed, Seth.”

“So they tell me. Same time tomorrow, Faith. I’ll meet you here.”

He took her hand and pressed her knuckles to his lips, disappearing before she had chance to respond.



April was still staring into space. When Caleb finally managed to bring himself to look at her, she smiled at him, but even he could tell it was forced. He wanted to hold her, soothe her but he also never, ever deserved to touch her again.

He was trying not to notice the dried tears on her face, but he could feel her wincing as she moved. Her skin hadn’t even fully healed and now he’d added puncture wounds and possibly a broken bone or two to the mix. It would all repair itself relatively swiftly, but that knowledge didn’t ease the guilt. Didn’t change the fact.

He had attacked her.

He’d wanted to give her what she’d asked for; he had wanted so much for it to be what she’d hoped, to be different. He’d surely be able to keep control by now, with her. Surely. But as the darkness had descended, as his humanity had unravelled, he’d gradually stripped her back until he didn’t see April at all. Until she was just another way to fill the void.

He had wanted to believe he was better. Reformed. Safe. That he could lay with a woman without draining or devastating her; without Lilith having to reset their limbs or their memories. The blurred, rose-tinted pages of Marjorie’s novels were testament to Lilith’s ability to pick up his pieces. Poor Marjorie had ‘fallen down the stairs’ a lot, in her younger years.

The silence had been weighing heavily in the air, threatening to crush them both, since he had managed to grasp a thread of control and tear himself away. There was only so much he could apologise, but…

“I’m sorry, April.”

“It’s OK.”

…that was the fifth time they’d exchanged those words. It wasn’t OK. She should be angry, sad, hurt. Something. Anything. Should he keep apologising? Should he explain? Could he explain?

He’d let everyone down today. He clearly needed even firmer intervention. He could ask Lilith to step it up, again; there must be something she could still do for him. Something they hadn’t tried. There had to be.

Hopefully, Lilith would finally give up on him and simply tear his head off. If not he’d be building a bonfire to throw himself on to.

Perhaps that was the only solution left.

“You should head back,” Caleb said, but April didn’t appear to be listening.

“Did I do something wrong?” she asked, quietly, playing with the hem of the skirt she hadn’t even had chance to remove. “Were you trying to punish me?”

Damn me to hell. Her words felt like a kick in the gut. “Holy hell no. It’s me, I—.”

“Because I’m not very experienced,” she said gently, as if he hadn’t spoken. “I’ve never actually had sex before. If I’m honest, I don’t even know what half that stuff was that we were doing. So if it wasn’t what you expected, I’m sorry.”

If it wasn’t what he expected? What the hell? “Don’t be sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for—”

“I can learn,” she tried to smile again, her voice had an eerie, cool tone. “I’ll do better next time, I know what to expect, now. You won’t have to be so forceful with me. Next time.”

“There won’t be a next time.”

“Why not? Are you are you breaking up with me?”

He sighed, dropped his head to his hands. He should break up with her. He should nail this coffin firmly shut before he ended himself. He didn’t want her blaming herself for that, too.

“You’re thinking about it, aren’t you? Oh gosh, I’m so embarrassed. Was I that bad?” He’ll move on to someone else now. Probably bloody Melinda.

Her jealousy. He could feel it. He tilted his head to look at her aloof face but couldn’t form any words over this sickness inside him.

“Why aren’t you answering me? It’s because I’m disposable, isn’t it? You don’t care anymore, right?” she said, evenly. “Number ten thousand and one.” I thought we had something. Eternity, he said.

“April—“

“Did I ever mean anything to you at all? Or did you just keep me for fun?” He got what he wanted from me. He doesn’t need you anymore, you stupid girl.

He couldn’t deal with this. For every sentence she said, he heard three. Her own voice, her mother’s.

“Please, stop. Listen to me.”

She wasn’t done, he could tell, but she pressed her lips together, silencing herself.

He could still hear her. It’s not fair. I love him.

He knew that she could mesmerise; now it seemed that she could project thoughts as well. Although she wasn’t wording them directly at him like Lilith did, she must not be aware of what she was doing.

Of all the times for her powers to manifest, it had to be now? Could she mind-read? He couldn’t feel the static or the compression that usually told him someone was trying to read him, but his walls went up. He didn’t need her scanning his mind looking for more sticks to beat herself with; this was a big enough catastrophe as it was.

Lilith. He needed to take her to Lilith. She’d know what to do. She would look after her.

After.

“We need to go,” he said. “Get dressed.”

22 thoughts on “Chapter 1.47 – Fill The Void

  1. I can’t say I’m surprised by any of this. I do like the contrast of the scenes on offer here. Seth is a mind-erasing murder monster and Faith has been established to not be fully honest even with herself, and yet, in this chapter we see the two of them communicating far better than April and Caleb. Fun times. (Ok, it’s not funny, but I have to laugh otherwise it’s just too depressing).

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh no! It was predictable that Caleb / April together is a disaster 💔
    They are both so filled with their own guilt and shame. They can only hear the echo of their own voice.

    I think it was interesting to get a better understanding of what Lilith’s cleanup exactly means.
    Broken bones and souls. Like Seth, Caleb contains the germ of a monster.
    Unlike Seth, Caleb tries to suppress this side of himself.
    Some kind of conscience or empathy ultimately forces him toward annihilating himself.
    Caleb’s depression seemed understandable and inevitable 😧

    Faith / Seth? What should I say?
    Their erotic encounter seems so sensual and promising in stark contrast to Faiths other unsatisfactory one night Stand …. then reality and the killer show his face again 💔
    It is truly a meeting between contrasts.

    The whole chapter leaves me in a heavy mood, but as I refuse to let the darkness win I stubbornly try to listen for a little beep of hope.🥺

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Complete disaster. Could not have been anything else, really. 😢

      Caleb’s curse causes so many problems… only one way to stop it.

      What can you say about Faith and Seth? He’s showing her everything new, things she didn’t even know she wanted, but she might end up losing herself in the process.

      Keep listening for that beep. It’s not over yet…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Not cool that Caleb hurt her and I will never ever say that a victim asked for it, but April manipulating him into sex when he made it very clear he didn’t want to and now talking about a next time is like pushing an alcoholic to “just have a drink” with you against their protests. They’re literally raping each other. Very toxic relationship. It’s nice to hear Caleb’s thoughts on Lilith though and realize just how much she has done for him and how much he relies on her to clean up his messes. It’s really no wonder that she treats him like a small child and has zero trust in him. If only Caleb and April could both learn to verbalize their thoughts and like /actually communicate/ instead of so much going unsaid. And dear lord, if April can project her thoughts now with Sandy in her mind…well, they’re certainly all in for a treat…

    I think Seth and Faith are are actually each making the other better. Perhaps Faith can have some positive influence on his murderyness and he will begin leaving sims alive rather than torn apart…baby steps, right?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Extremely toxic. Your analogy about the alcoholic is very insightful.

      Faith would certainly have a momentous task trying to convince Seth not to be so murdery. We’ll see…

      Like

  4. Ahh I want to comment so much. But darn it I can’t even keep up with my own crap atm.

    I have to say though. Seth thinking himself a pervert made me laugh because Curtis and Gaby’s age difference are larger than his and Faith’s.

    Caleb and April’s crash and burn scene did not disappoint. Those two tortured kids and their dysfunctional relationship. It’s hard to read about April. Oh gosh the aftermath of being raped, telling yourself that it’s okay. You can handle it. Poor girl. She’s taking it all in stride now, but it will come later. Caleb did something wrong and she doesn’t acknowledge now but she will, or she will continue to deny it, but whichever it’s going to be ugly.

    I pity Caleb, but I’m also annoyed at him. He’s not expressed a single grateful thought towards Lilith, until this moment when he fucked up. I get it, he has no empathy. But jeez talk about shitting on the hand that fed you. I know the idiom is more graceful than what Ive written haha.

    You put so much trigger warnings in your chapters. I’ve got consent issues and all sorts of garbage in my story too, but I didn’t realise I should warn anyone about it.

    Faith, so unloved. :\ That smile she gave Seth. Those two are going to continue for awhile. Lilith is going to have a field day, reading from Faith how Seth chose Faith over her, then realising what happened between Caleb and April, also knowing that she is in some ways responsible this time for what happened between them (She’s not, but most people would think themselves responsible). I wonder if she will feel anything. Or will she blame Caleb completely.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. For someone who said they couldn’t comment, this was a lengthy one. 😁

      Well, Seth may look 27 but he’s ever so slightly older than that. Slightly. Only a few hundred years…

      Shitting on the hand that fed you is gonna be my new phrase for ungratefulness. 🤣😂🤣 Oh goddess, you kill me.

      The warnings are there if people need them. I’ve been caught out by other stories that suddenly slapped me with rape and other stuff and would’ve appreciated a chance to adjust my expectations/get in the right frame of mind before reading. If I write something that personally triggers/upsets me, I’ll always disclaimer it, even if it seems silly to others. 🙂

      Like

      1. I didnt think it was silly that you included warnings. I thought it was considerate. Just never thought about consent issues being part of it. Usually warnings are given for graphic media or disturbing literature. So ive only include it if its extreme. your explanation is food for thought. 😮

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh man, I need to take a deep cleansing breath after this. Some very toxic stuff went down.

    First off. Seth and Faith. I suppose Faith knows that she is being used, and understands what she is getting into, but it also doesn’t make it right. Seth has not been completely honest with her because he can erase her memories. I also think she is slightly in denial and potentially might be falling for Seth, and that is probably a road she doesn’t want to go down. I mean, when a man offers you a human kidney for your bedside table, you probably want to run the other direction. He’s basically a serial killer that’s good in the sack. That sums up Seth in my eyes.

    And ooo boy, April and Caleb. I can’t say that I am surprised that something bad would happen between them. But I totally didn’t think that Caleb was an abusive rapist. He expresses remorse for what he did, but I don’t know if there is any way of coming back from that. I understand why he was so hesitant to sleep with April, and her pushing him didn’t help matters. To be fair though, April had no idea that would happen, and Caleb was not honest about what would happen and just avoided it/thought he could control it. April is so much in denial that she can’t even process what happened. Their relationship is just incredibly depressing and tragic. Both of them need to get far, far away from one another, but I don’t see that happening.

    No wonder Lilith thinks she needs to save everyone, with all these psychotic vampires running around (I suppose she’s also one of them).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This chapter was hard to write. Took plenty of deep, cleansing breaths myself. Petting cats helps.

      Faith doesn’t want to fall for Seth, but oh dear, her face at the end. And of course she’s going to; she thinks he’s giving her the moon on a stick. Sad what people can overlook in someone who possesses something they desire.

      They do need to get away from each other. May be easier said than done.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Holy cow. This was incredible. I wanted to crawl out of my own skin, and this chapter was incredible. I love the way you change perspectives because you’re seeing what is really going on and then how another character is interpreting it.

    Everyone is operating from a place of their own trauma and insecurity.

    10/10.

    (okay back to reading.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Bleurgh. Writing this chapter made me cringe so bad. Creating the poses made me want to hide in a hole. Taking the screenshots of Faith’s hopeful face just about did me in. But sex cannot be perfect all the time, especially in these situations so… sorry. Hopefully you’re back in your skin now and everything is fine. Or you grew a new skin. I dunno what I’m on about.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I suppose it’s a pure coincidence that Faith first mann has green eyes and brown hair like the woman in Seth’s memory. I even thought she might be a gender bender of the guy…

    Okay, I can’t decide if Caleb’s and April’s situation is more infuriating or pitiful. Either way they both would probably fare better in a relationship with someone emotionally stable and grown-up. As it is they keep feeding each other’s self-doubts. Lilith is not a solution. The best for them would probably be being stranded on a deserted island. They are like newlyweds living in the same house with both sets of parents. It can’t end well.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes… coincidence…

      I would say pitiful, but then I know what’s about to happen. And I wouldn’t usually give away details of the upcoming plot, however I can confirm that Caleb and April do not get stranded on a desert island. 😁

      Like

  8. Interesting how I had so much to say beforehand, and now the words aren´t really there…

    It /is/ interesting how you put the two situations, and the two vampires, into contrast. And especially how you weigh them against each other. April is hurt, while Faith isn´t, but then again someone else will end up dead. Just ended, no chance of healing, no hope of recovery, nothing. And even if we try not to, our view is skewed by the fact we don´t know who is gonna die and we know nothing about them, so in a way, it´s easier to accept than something that happens to character we´ve been following for this long. A strange sort of twisted equilibrium. I applaud. 🙂

    Also, just a few thoughts on the side, I think the proper word to describe Seth would be /mesmerizing/ because while he doesn´t have (or use) the power itself, he just apparently has that effect on his own. While Caleb… I will stick with pitiful. I really do feel sorry for him, that /is/ a curse, alright. Pitiful goes for April, too, especially because of the way /nothing/ seems to snap her out of her ingrained way of thinking. Completely ruined, the pair of them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This chapter is awful and my least favourite by a clear mile, so I’m not surprised that words escape you.

      I do enjoy drawing contrast between characters and scenes. Added bonus if it means I can dump all the crap into the same chapter.

      Mesmerising is certainly a good word to describe Seth, and Caleb is certainly pitiful. Although, devil’s advocate here, he knew how that situation would end and still put them both through it. April; a lifetime of being rundown is, unfortunately, not something she’s going to be able to overcome in a blink. Aww, you sound low. I’m not sure the next few chapters are really going to help. Skip to book two. 😆

      Like

      1. Do I now? Nah, I´m not /low/. Just deep in thought, is all. I´m mulling something over very intensely here… because of the project you don´t remember, see? If I were to speak in artistic terms, there is nothing better than a good, strong dose of /contrast/… if I were to say what mood I´m in right now in Sims terms, it would actually be /very inspired/. With some sombre, yes, but that definitely boosts inspired, too. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

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